A Letter to My Past Self

by G.I. Titmouse

Dear Myself Four Years Ago Today,

Nope. We had no idea. Who knew? How could anyone know? The last four years have been insane. Here is a very incomplete list of 21 things to come between now and May—no, June—2021:

1. You weren’t “out” in high school. Never dated anyone. Good luck. You’re going to need it. You can’t love everyone who falls for you, yeah, turns out you’re pretty hot here… so when they call you a “player” or a “heartbreaker,” please don’t listen. But, one day, you’ll learn to appreciate: “gay icon.”

2. You’re going to attempt a million activities and commitments to avoid the “Sophomore Slump.” This is going to fail. You’ll become so stressed and tired, no one (including you) will notice. Because of this (probably?), you’ll get sick and never be the same. On the bright side, this will begin your “unofficial pre-med journey,” and you’ll learn a lot about health and illness, and those invisibly suffering, and despite it all you’ll still have fun and do work (even if it takes you an extra 11 months).

3. You’re going to want to be friends with almost everyone you meet. But, not everyone wants to be friends with you. Correction, not everyone wants to be “just friends with you.” (Or really both.) Good luck.

4. You’re going to figure out the best nights aren’t planned. Carpe Diem! “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around every once in a while, you might just miss it.”

5. You’re going to live in a messier and messier room. It doesn’t help that you’ll be sick half the time, or feel sick anyway, or that there’s a virus during senior year so you’ll only eat in your room. Your first-year self will never eat in bed and will hardly be in your room. But, your good friends will help you out.

6. You’re going to learn that sometimes, doctors are more unhelpful than helpful. You’re going to learn more than most of them know. You’re going to cry every few months after a horrible 30 minutes where you have to pay them for wasting your time…

7. You’re going to love Ultimate Frisbee and the Whiptails. You’re going to find a family there and a home. Then, things will do a 180, and everything will seem the opposite of what you thought it was. It will confuse you, it will break you, but ultimately it will give you a platform to lead, advocate for what you believe in, and decide what matters most.

8. You’re going to get excited about the schematics for the new science center. You’re going to hate what they chose to do and how it ends up. You’re going to miss the open spaces, high ceilings, and vibrant colors. But, other nerds are in your boat about the renovation too!

9. You’re going to have a hard time finding a campus job, over and over again. It’ll never be what you know, but who you know. The right place at the right time. Your siblings will be accosted when driving the night shift van or unable to meet with their groups, attend office hours, or go to helproom because they have to go to work, too. There will be a lot of times your siblings will get accosted by other siblings.

10. You’ll find your first on-campus job in the dining hall. You’ll find joy in singing and dancing in the Bates Dishroom and will become friends with all the staff. Three years later, only one or two staff members will have stayed in Bates. AVI needs better management, among other things, and you’ll no longer feel helpful and empowered, but whatever the opposite of that is…

11. COVID.

12. The only December you’ll stay at school through finals is your first year. Sophomore year you’ll leave on the 6th because you have mono but then you don’t but then you do (don’t ask) and ~ah~ doctors only know so much. Who knows how you got it. You’ll kiss someone the year later and the year before, but not that year.

13. You’ll go boating for the first time the night after Orientation Fall 2018. Then, in Spring 2019, the lake “is still frozen.” Fall 2019, “EEE mosquitoes.” Spring 2020, COVID strikes. Fall 2020, you are at home. Spring 2021, maybe, just maybe, you’ll finally get to go again. Fingers crossed.

14. You’ll fall in love with Feminist—or more so, Queer—Theology in Professor Elkin’s class.

15. The year before Theology, you’ll learn “Queer Theory” and be eternally grateful for your peers who shared in class since you now understand your white privilege on a new level.

16. You’ll learn what incompletes are. You’ll learn you can “reopen/extend them.” You’ll only finish four semesters “on-time.” The other four you’ll take lots of in-completes. One class, you’ll finish over a year after it actually ends.

17. You’ll be scared. You’ll be frightened. You’ll be scarred. But she lives, and you thank God everyday. You thank God every day for helping all those who speak to you to hang on.

18. You’ll finally throw the campus wide party you always wanted to throw. You invite the entire school. It’s almost all East Siders who made the trek to Tower. East Side Beast Side! Thanks to all who know what “The Flip Side: A Retro Rager March 7, 1970” means <3

19. You’ll walk. You’ll talk. You’ll walk. You’ll listen. Your favorite memory will be walking around campus with someone sharing their truth or listening to yours. Questioning life, love, meaning. Also, singing at the top of your lungs by yourself in the cold makes the walk across campus warmer.

20. You’ll be infatuated. You’ll be mesmerized. You’ll be tongue-tied. You’ll love and be loved.

21. You’ll never have a “tech summer internship” even though you’re a computer science major from day one. Instead, you’ll work locally at home or with the Paulson Initiative. They’ll give you a bird feeder in Summer 2020 which you’ll hang onto until Spring 2021. You’ll place it against your window, buy a bag of seeds, and watch all the colors and songs fly by.

This only scratches the surface. Everyone might say “it’s been a quick four years.” But, we know better. I hope. You’re going to do the best you can, and every year you’ll learn more and more about how fragile life is.

Thankfully, no matter what happens or how many changes occur, there will always be a Wellesley Sib who has your back.

Love,

Your Future Self

For information about publishing articles anonymously, please contact the Editor-in-Chief (swentzel@wellesley.edu). From the April/May 2021 issue.